How to Build a Successful Marriage

MARRIAGE can be likened to a journey, an odyssey that presents many surprises—some exquisite, others painful. Unforeseen “terrain” can present unexpected obstacles, some of which may seem insurmountable. Nevertheless, many people make this journey successfully and happily, with only minor mishaps. Indeed, success in marriage is not measured so much by the highs and lows of the journey as it is by how couples deal with those ups and downs.

What do you think can make the journey through marriage more successful and enjoyable? Many couples feel the need for a ‘marital road map’ to direct them along the way. The most dependable and authoritative “map” for marriage is provided by the Originator of marriage—Jehovah God. His inspired Word, the Holy Bible, though, is not a magic charm. Rather, it contains practical direction that married couples need to follow to enjoy a successful marriage.—Psalm 119:105; Ephesians 5:21-33; 2 Timothy 3:16.
Let us identify some of the Scriptural signposts—key Bible principles—that can help guide you along a successful and happy marital journey.

Treat marriage as sacred. “What God has yoked together let no man put apart.” (Matthew 19:6) The Creator instituted the marriage arrangement when he introduced the first man, Adam, to his wife, Eve. (Genesis 2:21-24) Christ Jesus, who had been an eyewitness to this event during his prehuman existence, confirmed that Adam and Eve’s marital union was intended to be the start of a lasting relationship. He said: “Did you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh’? So that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart.”—Matthew 19:4-6.
In saying “what God has yoked together,” Jesus was not suggesting that marriages are made in heaven. Rather, he was confirming that the marriage relationship was instituted by God himself and was therefore to be treated as sacred.*
Of course, husbands and wives would not want to be “yoked together” in a cold, loveless coexistence. Rather, they want to enjoy a contented marriage in which both can thrive. They can be happily “yoked together” if they apply the Creator’s practical advice found in the Bible.
Because all of us are imperfect, misunderstandings and differences are inevitable. Often, however, a successful marriage depends less on compatibility than on how couples deal with incompatibility. Therefore, one of the most essential skills in marriage is the ability to resolve disagreements in a loving way, for love “binds everything together in perfect harmony.”—Colossians 3:14, English Standard Version.

Speak respectfully. “There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing.” (Proverbs 12:18) Researchers have found that most conversations end the way they start. Hence, if a conversation starts respectfully, it is more likely to end that way. Conversely, you know how hurtful it can be when a loved one speaks thoughtlessly to you. Therefore, make a prayerful effort yourself to speak with dignity, respect, and affection. (Ephesians 4:31) “Even though we see each other’s weaknesses,” explains a Japanese wife named Haruko,^# married for 44 years,“we try to respect each other in word and attitude. That has helped us build a successful marriage.”

When You Need to Discuss a Problem

Schedule a time when neither of you is tired.
Avoid criticizing; be positive toward each other.
Avoid interrupting; take turns listening and talking.
Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings.
Express empathy for each other, even when you disagree.
Be reasonable and flexible.
Humbly apologize when you are mistaken.
Express appreciation and affection.

Cultivate kindness and compassion. “Become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate.” (Ephesians 4:32) When there are strong disagreements, it is easy for anger to beget anger. In Germany, Annette, married happily for 34 years, admits: “It is not easy to keep calm under stress—you tend to say things that upset your partner, which only makes things worse.” By striving to be kind and compassionate, however, you can do much to help smooth the road to a peaceful marriage.

Show humility. “[Do] nothing out of contentiousness or out of egotism, but with lowliness of mind considering that the others are superior.” (Philippians 2:3) Many conflicts arise because marriage mates pridefully try to blame their partners for problems instead of humbly seeking ways to make things better for each other. Lowliness of mind, or humility, can help you suppress the urge to insist on being right in a disagreement.

Do not hastily take offense. “Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended.” (Ecclesiastes 7:9) Try to avoid the inclination to refute your mate’s viewpoint or to leap to your own defense if your mate questions something you have said or done. Instead, listen to and acknowledge your mate’s expressions. Think carefully before making a reply. Many couples learn too late in life that winning a heart is a greater victory than winning an argument.

Know when to keep quiet. “Be swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19) Good communication is without a doubt one of the most important signposts on the road to marital happiness. Why, then, does the Bible say that there is “a time to keep quiet”? (Ecclesiastes 3:7) This can be a time to do active, purposeful listening—a vital part of communication that involves finding out what your marriage mate really feels and why he or she feels that way.

For a Successful Marriage

Cling to Bible truths that strengthen marriage.
Make time for your marriage and your mate.
Promote warmth, love, and affection.
Be trustworthy and committed.
Be kind and respectful.
Share the workload at home.
Contribute to mutually satisfying conversations.
Share humor and relaxation.
Keep working at strengthening your marriage.

Listen with empathy. “Rejoice with people who rejoice; weep with people who weep.” (Romans 12:15) Empathy is indispensable to purposeful communication because it enables you to feel your spouse’s deepest emotions. It can help create an atmosphere in which each one’s opinions and feelings are treated with respect and dignity. “When we talk about our problems,” confides Nella in Brazil, married for 32 years, “I always listen very carefully so I can understand Manuel’s thoughts and feelings.” When your spouse is speaking, it is your “time to keep quiet” and to listen with empathy.

Make a habit of expressing appreciation. “Show yourselves thankful.” (Colossians 3:15) Strong marriages are characterized by husbands and wives who make sure their spouse feels appreciated. However, in the day-to-day routine of married life, some marriage mates neglect this vital aspect of communication and merely assume that their spouse feels valued. “Most couples,” states Dr. Ellen Wachtel, “could give each other that feeling of appreciation if they simply thought to do so.”

· Wives in particular need their husband’s loving reassurance and expressions of appreciation. You husbands can do much to improve the health of your marriage and the well-being of your wife, as well as yourself, by making a point of commenting appreciatively on your wife’s positive actions and qualities.

· Both verbal and nonverbal reassurances are essential. When you husbands give your wife a gentle kiss, a kind touch, and a warm smile, it says more than just “I love you.” It reassures her that she is special to you and that you need her. Give her a phone call or an electronic message and tell her, “I’m missing you” or “How is your day going?” If since your courting days, you have begun to neglect making such expressions, it is a practice well worth reviving. Continue to learn what touches your spouse’s heart.

· The words of the mother of King Lemuel of ancient Israel are so appropriate: “Her husband praises her, ‘Many women have done well, but you surpass them all.’” (Proverbs 31:1, 28, 29, Tanakh—The Holy Scriptures) When was the last time you praised your wife? Or, wife, you your husband?

Be quick to forgive. “Let the sun not set with you in a provoked state.” (Ephesians 4:26) In marriage you cannot escape your own faults or those of your spouse. Consequently, the willingness to forgive is essential. Clive and Monica, in South Africa, married 43 years ago, have found this Biblical advice very helpful. “We try to put into practice the principle found at Ephesians 4:26,” explains Clive, “and we try to be quick to forgive each other, knowing that it pleases God. Then we feel good about the situation, go to bed with a clean conscience, and sleep well.”

· An ancient proverb wisely observes: “It is beauty . . . to pass over transgression.” (Proverbs 19:11) Annette, mentioned previously, agrees, adding: “A good marriage is impossible without forgiveness.” She explains why: “Otherwise resentment and mistrust grow, and that is poison for a marriage. Through forgiveness, the bonds of your marriage are strengthened and you grow closer together.”

· If you have hurt your spouse’s feelings, do not simply conclude that he or she will just get over it. Making peace often requires that you do one of the more difficult things marriage mates need to do: Admit that you have made a mistake. Nevertheless, find a way humbly to say something like this: “I’m sorry, Dear. I made a mistake.” A humble apology will win you respect, help build a trusting relationship, and enhance your own peace of mind.

Stay committed to your mate and to your marriage. “They [the husband and wife] are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart.” (Matthew 19:6) You have solemnly vowed before God and man and to each other to remain together, despite problems that might arise.^% Commitment, however, is not simply a legalistic obligation. Rather, it is motivated by sincere, heartfelt love and is a reflection of respect and honor for each other and for God. So never undermine your sacred marital relationship by flirting; have eyes only for your mate.—Matthew 5:28.

Self-sacrifice reinforces commitment. “[Keep] an eye, not in personal interest upon just your own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others.” (Philippians 2:4) Putting your marriage mate’s needs and preferences ahead of your own is one of the ways to strengthen commitment. Premji, married for 20 years, makes a point of helping his wife, who is employed full-time, with the housework. “I help Rita with cooking and cleaning and other work so that she has time and energy to do the things she enjoys.”

· Effort Brings Rewards

· At times, the hard work involved in building a happy marriage may cause some to be tempted to give up. However, do not let upsets make you abandon your commitment or forfeit everything that you have already invested in your marriage, the distance you have already covered in your journey together.

For Personal Reflection

What do I need to work on most in my marriage?
What steps will I take to do this?

· “If you put forth sincere effort and show that you want your marriage to succeed, you can enjoy Jehovah’s blessing,” suggests Sid, whose marriage has flourished for 33 years. Your loyal support of each other through the difficult times and your mutual enjoyment of the good times will sustain you on a satisfying journey through a successful marriage.

· * Jesus stated that the only ground for the dissolution of a marriage with the freedom to remarry is fornication—sexual relations outside the marriage.—Matthew 19:9.

· ^% The Bible allows an innocent mate the right to decide whether to divorce an adulterous spouse. (Matthew 19:9)

SURVIVING THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE

He says: ”I am surprised to find that my wife and I are so different! For example, I like to get up early, but she likes to stay up late. As for her changes of mood, those baffle me! And another thing-when I cook, she becomes so critical, especially of the way I clean my hands on the dishcloth.“
She says: ”My husband is a man of few words. But I'm used to my family. They talk a lot, particularly at mealtimes. And when my husband cooks, he uses the same cloth to dry the dishes and to clean his hands! That irritates me! Why are men so difficult to understand? How do people make a marriage succeed?“

IF YOU are newly married, have you faced similar challenges? Does it seem that your mate suddenly has acquired faults and foibles that were absent when you were dating? How can you reduce the impact of the “everyday troubles that married people will have”?—1 Corinthians 7:28, Today’s English Version.
First, do not expect that just because you exchanged wedding vows, you and your spouse become instant experts at married life. You might have acquired valuable social skills when you were single, and they might have improved while you were dating. However, marriage will test those skills in new ways and will likely require that you gain new ones. Will you make mistakes? Certainly. Can you gain the skills you need? Absolutely!
The best way to improve any skill is to consult an expert on the subject and then to apply the advice he gives. The foremost expert on marriage is Jehovah God. After all, he is the One who created us with the desire to marry. (Genesis 2:22-24) Note how his Word, the Bible, can help you overcome challenges and acquire the skills you need to make your marriage last beyond the first year.

SKILL 1. LEARN TO CONSULT TOGETHER

What are the challenges? Keiji,* a husband who lives in Japan, sometimes forgot that his decisions affected his spouse. “I would accept invitations without consulting my wife,” he says. “Later, I would discover that it was not convenient for her to keep those appointments.” Allen, a husband in Australia, says: “I felt that it was unmanly to consult my wife about things.” He faced a challenge because of his background. It was similar with Dianne, who lives in Britain. She says: “I was used to asking my family for advice. So at first I would consult them and not my husband when making decisions.”

What is the solution? Remember that Jehovah God views a married couple as being “one flesh.” (Matthew 19:3-6) In his eyes, no other human relationship is more important than the one that exists between husband and wife! To keep that bond strong, good communication is vital.
A husband and wife can learn much by examining the way Jehovah God communicated with Abraham. For example, please read the discussion recorded at Genesis 18:17-33. Note that God honored Abraham in three ways. (1) Jehovah explained what he intended to do. (2) He listened while Abraham explained his views. (3) To the extent possible, Jehovah adapted his course of action to accommodate Abraham. How could you follow the same pattern when you consult with your spouse?

TRY THIS: When discussing matters that will affect your marriage partner, (1) explain how you would like to handle the situation, but present your thoughts as suggestions, not final decisions or ultimatums; (2) ask your spouse to express his or her opinion, and acknowledge your spouse’s right to hold a different viewpoint; and (3) “let your reasonableness become known” by adopting your mate’s preferences whenever possible.—Philippians 4:5.

ASK YOURSELF . . .

Have I made my spouse my closest confidant, or do I prefer to consult with others?
Within the last 24 hours, specifically what have I done that shows that I love and respect my spouse?

SKILL 2. LEARN TO BE TACTFUL

What is the challenge? Depending on your family or cultural background, you might be in the habit of expressing your opinion firmly, even bluntly. For example, Liam, who lives in Europe, says: “Where I come from, people tend to be tactless. My blunt way of expressing myself often upset my wife. I had to learn to be more gentle.”
What is the solution? Do not assume that your mate wants to be spoken to in the same manner that you are used to. (Philippians 2:3, 4) The counsel that the apostle Paul gave a missionary is also helpful for newlyweds. He wrote: “A slave of the Lord does not need to fight, but needs to be gentle.” In the original Greek, the word that is translated “gentle” can also be rendered “tactful.” (2 Timothy 2:24; footnote) Tact is the ability to discern the delicacy of a situation and to deal with the matter kindly, without causing offense.

TRY THIS: When you are annoyed with your mate, imagine that instead of talking to your spouse, you are conversing with a good friend or with your employer. Would you still use the same tone of voice or choice of words? Then think of reasons why your spouse deserves to be spoken to with even more respect and tact than does your friend or employer.—Colossians 4:6.

The Bible Saved Our Marriage

Toru and Akiko were in love when they were first married. But only eight months later, this Japanese couple decided to divorce. They relate what happened.

Toru: “I discovered that my wife and I were less compatible than I thought. For example, when we watched TV, I liked sports, but she liked dramas. I liked going out, but she liked staying home.”
Akiko: “Toru did whatever his family asked, but he did not consult with me. I asked him, ‘Who is more important to you, your mother or me?’ Also, I was shocked at how Toru would stretch the truth. I told him that one lie leads to another and that if he didn’t stop, our marriage could not continue.”
Toru: “I became frustrated and asked a senior colleague for advice on how to deal with my wife. ‘Just tell her to shut up,’ he said. ‘If she complains, knock her down.’ One time, I slapped Akiko’s face and turned over the table. There was a big fight, and she left. I had to bring her back from a hotel in Tokyo. Finally, we decided to divorce. As I left home for the office that morning, my wife began packing her things.”
Akiko: “The doorbell rang as I was carrying my bags to the front door. A woman was standing there. She was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I invited her in.”
Toru: “When I arrived at my office, I was having second thoughts about divorce, so I hurried back home. When I arrived, I found Akiko talking to this lady. The lady said to me: ‘You need something that the two of you can do together. Would you like to study the Bible?’ ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘anything that might save our marriage!’”
Akiko: “The lady made arrangements for us to study the Bible. A turning point came when we read the Bible’s description of the marriage arrangement. It says: ‘That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.’”—Genesis 2:24.
Toru: “I got the point right away. I told my parents, ‘From now on, I am going to discuss things with my wife before making decisions.’ I also stopped drinking too much. And when I learned that God hates lies, I tried to speak only the truth.”
Akiko: “I too changed. For example, I used to defy Toru. But when I saw how he was applying Bible principles, I became more supportive of him. (Ephesians 5:22-24) We have been happily married now for over 28 years. We were able to overcome our problems by getting to know each other better and by applying the wise counsel found in the Bible.”

SKILL 3. LEARN TO ADAPT TO YOUR NEW ROLES

What is the challenge? A husband may at first exercise his headship clumsily, or a wife may be unaccustomed to making tactful suggestions. For example, Antonio, a husband in Italy, says: “My father hardly ever consulted my mother about family decisions. So at first, I ruled my family as if I were a monarch.” Debbie, a wife in Canada, says: “I demanded that my husband be tidier. But my bossy approach only seemed to make him more stubborn.”
What is the solution for a husband? Some husbands confuse what the Bible says about wifely subjection with what it says about the obedience of a child to his parent. (Colossians 3:20; 1 Peter 3:1) However, the Bible says that a husband is to “stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh”; it does not say the same about a parent and a child. (Matthew 19:5) Jehovah describes a wife as a complement, or counterpart, of her husband. (Genesis 2:18) He never refers to a child as being a complement, or counterpart, of a parent. What do you think—if a husband treats his wife like a child, is he honoring the marriage arrangement?
In fact, God’s Word urges you to treat your wife in the same manner that Jesus treats the Christian congregation. You can make it easier for your wife to view you as her head if (1) you do not expect her immediately and flawlessly to express her subjection to you and (2) you love her as you do your own body, even when difficulties arise.—Ephesians 5:25-29.
What is the solution for a wife? Acknowledge that your husband is now your God-appointed head. (1 Corinthians 11:3) If you honor your husband, you honor God. If you reject his headship, you reveal how you feel not only about your husband but also about God and his requirements.—Colossians 3:18.
When discussing challenging issues, learn to attack the problem—not your husband’s character. Queen Esther, for example, wanted her husband, King Ahasuerus, to correct an injustice. Rather than attack him personally, she expressed herself tactfully. Her husband accepted her suggestion and eventually did the right thing. (Esther 7:1-4; 8:3-8) Your husband is more likely to learn to love you deeply if (1) you allow him time to master his new role as head of a family and (2) you treat him with respect, even when he makes mistakes.—Ephesians 5:33.

TRY THIS: Rather than taking note of ways in which you feel your spouse ought to change, keep a changes-I-need-to-make list. Husbands: When you upset your wife by the way you exercise or fail to exercise your headship, ask her how you can improve, and then write the suggestion down. Wives: When your husband feels that he is not being shown respect, ask him how you can improve, and take note of the suggestion.

Maintain Reasonable Expectations

Learning to maintain a happy, balanced marriage relationship is like learning to ride a bicycle. You expect some tumbles as you gain confidence as a cyclist. Likewise, you should expect to make some embarrassing mistakes as you gain experience in marriage.
Maintain a sense of humor. Take your mate’s concerns seriously, but learn to laugh at your own blunders. Seize opportunities to make your mate rejoice during your first year of marriage. (Deuteronomy 24:5) Above all, allow God’s Word to guide your relationship. If you do, your marriage will grow stronger year after year.

MARITAL FIDELITY, WHAT DOES IT REALLY MEAN?

Most people expect marriage mates to be sexually faithful to each other. This view of marital fidelity agrees with the Bible, which says: “Let marriage be honorable among all, and the marriage bed be without defilement.”—Hebrews 13:4.

IS REFRAINING from sex with other partners the full extent of what it means to be faithful in marriage? What about sexual fantasies involving someone other than your marriage mate? Could a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex become a form of “infidelity”?

Are Sexual Fantasies Harmless?

The Bible presents sex as a natural and wholesome part of married life, a source of mutual joy and satisfaction. (Proverbs 5:18, 19) But many modern experts believe that it is normal—even healthy—for a married person to fantasize about other sexual partners. Are such fantasies harmless as long as they are not acted upon?
Sexual fantasies typically focus on personal gratification. Such self-centered behavior is contrary to the Bible’s advice for married people. Regarding sexual relations God’s Word says: “The wife does not exercise authority over her own body, but her husband does; likewise, also, the husband does not exercise authority over his own body, but his wife does.” (1 Corinthians 7:4) Following the Bible’s counsel prevents sex from becoming a fantasy-fueled act of lust and selfishness. As a result, both marriage mates enjoy greater happiness.—Acts 20:35; Philippians 2:4.
Fantasies of sex outside of marriage involve mentally rehearsing actions that if carried out would cause great emotional pain to one’s mate. Will engaging in sexual fantasies increase the likelihood of committing adultery? The simple answer is yes. The Bible illustrates the link between thoughts and actions: “Each one is tried by being drawn out and enticed by his own desire. Then the desire, when it has become fertile, gives birth to sin.”—James 1:14, 15.
Jesus said: “Everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) By refusing to dwell on adulterous fantasies, you “safeguard your heart” and protect your marriage.—Proverbs 4:23.

Why Remain Emotionally Faithful?

A successful marriage requires giving “exclusive devotion” to your mate. (Song of Solomon 8:6; Proverbs 5:15-18) What does this mean? While it is normal to have friends of both sexes outside of marriage, your marriage mate has first claim on your time, attention, and emotional energy. Any relationship that takes what rightly belongs to your mate and gives it to someone else is a form of “infidelity,” even if no sexual activity is involved.*
How could such a relationship develop? Someone of the opposite sex may seem more attractive or empathetic than your spouse. Spending time with that one in the workplace or in a social setting can lead to discussing personal matters, including problems or disappointments in your marriage. An emotional dependency can grow. Communication in person, by telephone, or through online chat could become a betrayal of trust. Marriage mates properly expect that certain topics will be discussed only with each other and that their “confidential talk” will be kept private.—Proverbs 25:9.
Beware of rationalizing that no romantic feelings exist when in fact they may! ‘The heart is treacherous,’ says Jeremiah 17:9. If you have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, ask yourself: ‘Am I defensive or secretive about the relationship? Would I be comfortable if my mate overheard our conversations? How would I feel if my mate cultivated a similar friendship?’—Matthew 7:12.
An improper relationship can lead to marital disaster, since emotional closeness paves the way for eventual sexual intimacy. As Jesus warned, “out of the heart come . . . adulteries.” (Matthew 15:19) However, even if adultery does not result, the damage caused by loss of trust can be extremely difficult to repair. A wife named Karen^# said: “When I discovered that Mark was secretly talking on the phone several times a day with another woman, my heart was broken. It is very hard to believe that they were not involved sexually. I am not sure that I will ever trust him.”
Keep friendships with members of the opposite sex within appropriate boundaries. Do not ignore the presence of improper feelings or rationalize impure motives. If you sense that a relationship threatens your marriage, act quickly to limit or end it. The Bible says: “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself.”—Proverbs 22:3.

Protect Your One-Flesh Bond

Our Creator intended that marriage should be the closest relationship between two humans. He said that husband and wife “must become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) The one-flesh bond involves more than sexual intimacy. It includes a close emotional bond, which is strengthened by unselfishness, trust, and mutual respect. (Proverbs 31:11; Malachi 2:14, 15; Ephesians 5:28, 33) Applying these principles will help to protect your marriage from damage caused by mental and emotional unfaithfulness.

* It is important to note, however, that only sexual relations outside the marriage constitute grounds for Scriptural divorce.—Matthew 19:9.

HAVE YOU WONDERED?

Can sexual fantasies lead to actions?—James 1:14, 15.
Could a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex threaten your marriage?—Jeremiah 17:9; Matthew 15:19.
How can you strengthen your marriage bond?—1 Corinthians 7:4; 13:8; Ephesians 5:28, 33.

“Everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”—Matthew 5:28

MAN AND WOMAN MADE FOR EACH OTHER

MAN and woman have always yearned to be together. This originated with God. Jehovah saw that it was not good for the first man, Adam, to continue by himself. So God made “a helper for [the man], as a complement of him.”
Jehovah caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and then he took one of his ribs and “proceeded to build the rib . . . into a woman and to bring her to the man.” Adam was so thrilled upon meeting this beautiful creation of Jehovah that he declared: “This is at last bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” With her feminine qualities, the perfect woman, Eve, was indeed lovable. And perfect Adam in his masculine dignity deserved respect. They were made for each other. The Bible says: “That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.”—Genesis 2:18-24.
Today, however, families are breaking apart, and the relationship between man and woman is often abusive or governed by selfishness. A spirit of competition between the sexes has contributed to conflict and discord. All of this is contrary to God’s purpose for man and woman. Man was designed to fill a wonderful role on earth. Woman was to occupy a unique and worthy place at man’s side. They were to work together in harmony. From the beginning of human existence, godly men and women have faithfully tried to fulfill the roles that Jehovah meant for them, and this has added to their happiness and satisfaction. What are these roles, and how can we fulfill them?

Man and woman are designed to occupy dignified roles in God’s arrangement

MAN AND WOMAN A DIGNIFIED ROLE FOR EACH

JEHOVAH GOD created Adam first, then Eve. Before Eve’s creation, Adam gained experience in living. During this time, Jehovah gave him certain instructions. (Genesis 2:15-20) Serving as God’s spokesman, Adam was to transmit these to his wife. Logically, then, he would take the lead in all matters involving worship.
A corresponding arrangement exists in the Christian congregation, and we can benefit from an examination of it. The apostle Paul wrote: “I do not permit a woman . . . to exercise authority over a man, but to be in silence. For Adam was formed first, then Eve.” (1 Timothy 2:12, 13) This does not mean that a woman is to be completely silent at a meeting of the Christian congregation. She is to be silent in the sense of not getting into disputes with a man. She is not to belittle his appointed position or endeavor to teach the congregation. Men have been given the assignment of presiding over and teaching the congregation, but women add much to Christian meetings by participating in them in various ways.
Giving us insight into the respective roles of men and women in God’s arrangement, the apostle Paul wrote: “Man is not out of woman, but woman out of man . . . Besides, in connection with the Lord neither is woman without man nor man without woman [neither being independent of the other]. For just as the woman is out of the man, so also the man is through the woman; but all things are out of God.”—1 Corinthians 11:8-12.

Women Enjoy Fine Privileges

Under the Law given by God to Israel, women had many privileges and were free to use their initiative. For instance, Proverbs 31:10-31 speaks of “a capable wife” who purchases fine material and makes excellent garments for her household. Why, “she has made even undergarments and proceeded to sell them”! (Verses 13, 21-24) “Like the ships of a merchant,” this excellent woman finds choice food, even if she must obtain it from distant places. (Verse 14) “She has considered a field and proceeded to obtain it,” and she has “planted a vineyard.” (Verse 16) Since “her trading is good,” her activities are profitable. (Verse 18) In addition to “watching over the goings-on of her household,” this industrious fearer of Jehovah unselfishly helps others. (Verses 20, 27) No wonder she is praised!—Verse 31.
Jehovah’s laws provided through Moses gave women full opportunity to grow spiritually. For example, at Joshua 8:35, we read: “There proved to be not a word of all that Moses had commanded that Joshua did not read aloud in front of all the congregation of Israel, together with the women and the little ones and the alien residents who walked in their midst.” Concerning Ezra the priest, the Bible states: “[He] brought the law before the congregation of men as well as of women and of all intelligent enough to listen, on the first day of the seventh month. And he continued to read aloud from it before the public square that is before the Water Gate, from daybreak till midday, in front of the men and the women and the other intelligent ones; and the ears of all the people were attentive to the book of the law.” (Nehemiah 8:2, 3) Women benefited from such reading of the Law. They also observed religious festivals. (Deuteronomy 12:12, 18; 16:11, 14) Most important, women in ancient Israel could have a personal relationship with Jehovah God and could individually pray to him.—1 Samuel 1:10.

In line with man’s position of headship, God gave Noah, Abraham, and Moses various assignments

In the first century C.E., God-fearing women were privileged to minister to Jesus. (Luke 8:1-3) A woman anointed his head and feet during an evening meal in Bethany. (Matthew 26:6-13; John 12:1-7) Women were among those to whom Jesus appeared after his resurrection. (Matthew 28:1-10; John 20:1-18) After Jesus’ ascension to heaven, the group of about 120 that met together included “some women and Mary the mother of Jesus.” (Acts 1:3-15) Many or all of these women were undoubtedly in the upper chamber in Jerusalem on the day of Pentecost 33 C.E., when the holy spirit was sent and Jesus’ disciples miraculously spoke in a number of different languages.—Acts 2:1-12.
Both men and women were among those who experienced the fulfillment of Joel 2:28, 29, as quoted by the apostle Peter on the day of Pentecost: “I [Jehovah] shall pour out some of my spirit upon every sort of flesh, and your sons and your daughters will prophesy . . . And even upon my men slaves and upon my women slaves I will pour out some of my spirit in those days.” (Acts 2:13-18) For a time after Pentecost 33 C.E., Christian women were favored with the gifts of the spirit. They spoke in foreign languages and prophesied, not necessarily making predictions but speaking forth Scriptural truths.
In his letter to Christians in Rome, the apostle Paul speaks warmly of “Phoebe our sister,” recommending her to them. He also refers to Tryphaena and Tryphosa, calling them “women who are working hard in the Lord.” (Romans 16:1, 2, 12) Although these women did not hold appointed positions in the early Christian congregation, they and many other women had the blessing of being chosen by God to be associated with his Son, Jesus Christ, in the heavenly Kingdom.—Romans 8:16, 17; Galatians 3:28, 29.
What a grand privilege godly women enjoy today! “Jehovah himself gives the saying; the women telling the good news are a large army,” says Psalm 68:11. Such women are to be commended. For instance, their skillful teaching at home Bible studies is leading many to accept true teachings that please God. Married Christian women who help their children to become believers and are supportive of their husbands who have many congregation duties also deserve praise. (Proverbs 31:10-12, 28) Single women too have a dignified place in God’s arrangement, and Christian men are admonished to “entreat . . . older women as mothers, younger women as sisters with all chasteness.”—1 Timothy 5:1, 2.

MAN’S VARIED ASSIGNMENTS

A Christian man has a divinely assigned role and is expected to fill it. Paul stated: “I want you to know that the head of every man is the Christ; in turn the head of a woman is the man; in turn the head of the Christ is God.” (1 Corinthians 11:3) Man too has a head—the Christ. Indeed, man is accountable to Christ and ultimately to God. And God expects man to exercise his headship lovingly. (Ephesians 5:25) This has been so ever since humans first walked the earth.
The Bible shows that God gave man assignments in line with his position of headship. For example, Jehovah had the man Noah build an ark for the preservation of life during the Flood. (Genesis 6:9–7:24) The man Abraham was promised that by means of his seed, all the families and nations of the earth would bless themselves. The primary part of that seed is Christ Jesus. (Genesis 12:3; 22:18; Galatians 3:8-16) God appointed the man Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. (Exodus 3:9, 10, 12, 18) It was through Moses that Jehovah gave the code of laws known as the Law covenant, or the Mosaic Law. (Exodus 24:1-18) Without exception, the Bible writers were men.
As Head of the Christian congregation, Jesus “gave gifts in men.” (Ephesians 1:22; 4:7-13) When listing the qualifications for overseers, Paul refers to men. (1 Timothy 3:1-7; Titus 1:5-9) So the congregations of Jehovah’s Witnesses are served by male overseers, or elders, and by men appointed as ministerial servants. (Philippians 1:1, 2; 1 Timothy 3:8-10, 12) Only men are to serve as shepherds in the Christian congregation. (1 Peter 5:1-4) As already noted, however, women have wonderful God-given privileges.

Happy in Their Roles

Fulfilling their God-given roles brings happiness to both men and women. Happy marriages result when husbands and wives imitate the example of Christ and his congregation. “Husbands,” wrote Paul, “continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it . . . Let each one of you individually so love his wife as he does himself.” (Ephesians 5:25-33) Hence, husbands are required to exercise their headship, not in a selfish way, but in a loving way. Christ’s congregation is not made up of perfect humans. Yet, Jesus loves and cares for it. Similarly, a Christian husband should love and care for his wife.
A Christian wife “should have deep respect for her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33) In this regard, she can look to the congregation as an example. Ephesians 5:21-24 states: “Be in subjection to one another in fear of Christ. Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord, because a husband is head of his wife as the Christ also is head of the congregation, he being a savior of this body. In fact, as the congregation is in subjection to the Christ, so let wives also be to their husbands in everything.” Although a wife may at times find it challenging or difficult to be in subjection to her husband, this is “becoming [fitting, proper] in the Lord.” (Colossians 3:18) Being in subjection to her husband will be easier if she remembers that this is pleasing to the Lord Jesus Christ.

How They Feel About Their God-Given Role

“My husband exercises his headship in a loving and kind way,” says Susan. “We usually discuss decisions, and when he decides what will or will not be done, I know it is for our benefit. Jehovah’s arrangement for Christian wives really makes me happy and our marriage strong. We are close and work together to achieve spiritual goals.”
A woman named Mindy comments: “The role that Jehovah has assigned to his female servants is an assurance of his love for us. I feel that giving my husband honor and respect as well as supporting him in his congregation duties is my way of showing appreciation to Jehovah for this arrangement.”
Even if her husband is not a fellow believer, a Christian wife is to submit to his headship. The apostle Peter says: “You wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, in order that, if any are not obedient to the word, they may be won without a word through the conduct of their wives, because of having been eyewitnesses of your chaste conduct together with deep respect.” (1 Peter 3:1, 2) Sarah, who respected her husband, Abraham, was privileged to bear Isaac and become an ancestress of Jesus Christ. (Hebrews 11:11, 12; 1 Peter 3:5, 6) Wives who conduct themselves as Sarah did are sure to be rewarded by God.
Peace and harmony prevail when men and women fulfill their God-given roles. This results in their satisfaction and happiness. Moreover, complying with Scriptural requirements clothes each one with the dignity associated with a privileged place in God’s arrangement.

WHEN MARITAL DISAGREEMENTS ARISE

NO HUSBAND or wife of sound mind enjoys marital conflict, but it is all too common. Typically, one spouse says something that irritates the other. Voices are raised, and tempers flare, igniting an emotionally charged argument with caustic remarks. Then comes icy silence, with both mates stubbornly refusing to talk. In time, the anger subsides and apologies are exchanged. Peace is restored—at least until the next disagreement.

Marital spats are the topic of an endless stream of jokes and story lines of television programs, but the reality is far from amusing. Indeed, a Bible proverb says: “Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword.” (Proverbs 12:18, Today’s English Version) Yes, harsh speech may leave emotional scars that linger long after the dispute has ended. Arguing may even lead to violence.—Exodus 21:18.
Of course, because of human imperfection, problems in marriage are sometimes unavoidable. (Genesis 3:16; 1 Corinthians 7:28) Still, frequent and intense disputes should not be dismissed as normal. Experts have noted that a pattern of quarreling increases the likelihood that a couple will eventually divorce. Hence, it is vital that you and your spouse learn to handle disagreements in a peaceful manner.

Assessing the Situation

If your marriage is plagued by arguments, try to determine if there is a pattern to your disputes. Typically, what happens when you and your spouse disagree on a matter? Does the discussion quickly veer off course and deteriorate into a volley of insults and accusations? If so, what can you do?
First, take an honest look at how you as an individual might be contributing to the problem. Are you easily provoked? Are you argumentative by nature? What would your spouse say about you in this regard? This last question is important to consider, for you and your mate may have different views about what constitutes being argumentative.
For example, suppose that your spouse tends to be somewhat reserved, while you are candid and highly intense when expressing yourself. You might say: “When I was growing up, that’s the way everyone in my family communicated. It’s not arguing!” And perhaps to you it is not. Possibly, though, what you see as uninhibited straight talk is perceived by your mate as hurtful and combative arguing. Simply being aware that you and your mate have different communication styles can help prevent misunderstandings.
Remember, too, that arguing does not always involve shouting. Paul wrote to Christians: “Let . . . screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you.” (Ephesians 4:31) “Screaming” alludes to a raised voice, whereas “abusive speech” refers to the content of the message. Viewed in that light, even whispered words can be argumentative if they are irritating or demeaning.
With the foregoing in mind, look again at how you handle disagreements with your mate. Are you argumentative? As we have seen, the real answer to that question largely depends on the perception of your spouse. Rather than dismissing your mate’s view as oversensitive, try to see yourself as that one sees you, and make adjustments where they are needed. Paul wrote: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.”—1 Corinthians 10:24.

Three Steps to Defusing an Argument

Listen to your spouse.—Proverbs 10:19
Respect his or her viewpoint.—Philippians 2:4
Respond in a loving manner.—1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“Pay Attention to How You Listen”

Another aspect of handling disagreements is found in Jesus’ words: “Pay attention to how you listen.” (Luke 8:18) True, Jesus was not talking about communication in marriage. Nevertheless, the principle applies. How well do you listen to your spouse? Do you listen at all? Or do you abruptly interrupt with pat solutions to problems that you have not completely understood? “When anyone is replying to a matter before he hears it, that is foolishness on his part and a humiliation,” the Bible says. (Proverbs 18:13) When a disagreement arises, then, you and your spouse need to talk the matter out and truly listen to each other.
Rather than downplay your spouse’s viewpoint, strive to show “fellow feeling.” (1 Peter 3:8) In the original Greek, this term basically denotes suffering with another person. If your mate is distressed over something, you should share the feeling. Endeavor to look at the matter from his or her perspective.
Evidently, the godly man Isaac did that. The Bible tells us that his wife, Rebekah, was deeply disturbed over a family issue involving her son Jacob. “I have come to abhor this life of mine because of the daughters of Heth,” she said to Isaac. “If Jacob ever takes a wife from the daughters of Heth like these from the daughters of the land, of what good is life to me?”—Genesis 27:46.
Granted, out of anxiety, Rebekah likely overstated matters. After all, did she really abhor her life? Would she literally prefer to die if her son married one of the daughters of Heth? Probably not. Still, Isaac did not minimize Rebekah’s feelings. Instead, Isaac saw that Rebekah’s concern had merit, and he took action accordingly. (Genesis 28:1) Do the same the next time your mate is anxious over a matter. Instead of dismissing it as something trivial, listen to your mate, respect his or her view, and respond in a compassionate manner.

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Listening and Insight

A Bible proverb states: “The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger.” (Proverbs 19:11) In the heat of a disagreement, it is so easy to react impulsively to every sharp word that is uttered by your spouse. Usually, though, this only serves to escalate the argument. Hence, when listening to your spouse, make it your determination to hear not only the words being said but also the feelings behind the words. Such insight will help you to see past personal annoyances and get to the root of the problem.
For instance, suppose your wife says to you, “You never spend any time with me!” You could be inclined to get irritated and deny the charge with cold facts. “I spent a whole day with you last month!” you might reply. But if you listen attentively, you might find that your wife is not really asking for more minutes or hours. Instead, she may be asking for reassurances, telling you that she feels neglected and unloved.
Suppose that you are a wife and your husband expresses his concern over a recent purchase. “How could you spend that much money?” he asks in utter disbelief. Your impulse might be to defend yourself with facts regarding the family finances or by comparing your purchase with one of his own. Insight, however, will help you to see that your husband may not be talking about dollars and cents. Instead, he may be troubled because he was left out of the decision-making process when it came to a major purchase.
Of course, each couple may have a different way to address how much time they spend together and how purchasing decisions are made. The point is that when matters become subjects of contention, insight will slow down your anger and enable you to perceive the real issues at hand. Rather than impulsively reacting, follow the Bible writer James’ admonition to be “swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.”—James 1:19.
When you do speak, remember that how you speak to your mate is important. The Bible says that “the tongue of the wise ones is a healing.” (Proverbs 12:18) When you and your spouse are caught up in a disagreement, do your words hurt or do they heal? Do they build roadblocks, or do they pave the way for reconciliation? As we have already seen, angry or impulsive responses only stir up contention.—Proverbs 29:22.
If a disagreement deteriorates into a verbal boxing match, put forth more effort to stick to the point. Focus on the cause, not the person. Be more concerned with what is right than who is right. Be careful that your words do not fan the flames of the argument. The Bible says: “A word causing pain makes anger to come up.” (Proverbs 15:1) Yes, what you say and how you say it may make a difference in whether you elicit your mate’s cooperation or not.

Aim to Resolve, Not to Win

In our dealing with disagreements, the goal is a solution rather than a victory. How can you reach a solution? The surest way is to search out and apply the Bible’s counsel, and husbands especially should take the initiative to do so. Rather than being quick to express strong opinions on the issues or problems at hand, why not look at them from Jehovah’s viewpoint? Pray to him, and seek the peace of God that will guard your hearts and mental powers. (Ephesians 6:18; Philippians 4:6, 7) Make an earnest effort to look out for the personal interest of not just you but also your mate.—Philippians 2:4.
What often makes a bad situation worse is letting hurt feelings and uncontrolled emotions dominate your thoughts and actions. On the other hand, being willing to be readjusted by the counsel of God’s Word leads to peace, agreement, and Jehovah’s blessing. (2 Corinthians 13:11) Therefore, be guided by “the wisdom from above,” manifest godly qualities, and reap benefits as “those who are making peace.”—James 3:17, 18.
Really, all should learn to handle disagreements peacefully, even if this means sacrificing personal preferences. (1 Corinthians 6:7) Indeed, apply Paul’s admonition to put away “wrath, anger, badness, abusive speech, and obscene talk out of your mouth. . . . Strip off the old personality with its practices, and clothe yourselves with the new personality.”—Colossians 3:8-10.
At times, of course, you will say things that you later regret. (James 3:8) When this happens, apologize to your spouse. Continue to put forth effort. In time, you and your spouse will likely see great improvement in how you handle disagreements.

What You Can Do Now

Ask your spouse the questions below, and listen to the answers without interrupting. Then your spouse can do the same with you.

Do I tend to be argumentative?
Do I really listen when you express yourself, or do I impulsively respond before you are finished speaking?
Do my words come across to you as insensitive or angry?
What can we both do to improve our style of communication—especially when we do not agree on a matter?

RADIOLOGY, PREGNANCY, INFECTION AND TREATMENT

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Monday, April 23, 2012