Relationship end- Caught unprepared
“I love you, but not like that, more like a friend. I though it will go away, and this is just one of my phases, but it is not. I can't live like that. It's not honest. Not for you, not for me. Everything turned into routine and I hate it!
I really thought I loved you- I wasn't lying when I said those words. If I could force myself to love you till the end of my life, I would, cos the last thing I wanna do is hurt you. You've been my best friend for the past 3 years... but I can't live like this. I thought I can, but I can't. I am sorry... “
Heard those words? And caught unprepared? Don't worry! It is not the end of the world! We will help you get through this!
Read on!
Feelings...
First of all, lets analyze feeling that occur when relationship ends. Of course, there are no right or wrong feelings, we are all unique, but still: there are just feeling that typically occur when relationship ends. All these feelings are 'normal' and actually necessary to the process of healing so that we can move on and engage in other relationships.
Loss. Yes, relationship end is a loss- you loose all your dreams of future love life. It hurts!
Sadness. Sadness for we have suffered a great loss.
Denial. This is not happening to me!
Self-blame. We blame ourselves that we didn't do that, we should have done that. It is not that simple...
Guilt. We feel guilty for loosing relationship, especially if we end relationship. We don't want to hurt our partner, and yet we don't want to stay in a relationship that has no future. It is not easy for noone.
Fear. Fear of new feelings, fear of future, fear of sleeping alone, fear of not being loved again, fear that we may never survive our loss.
Confusion. Our world has collapsed. We are not who we thought we were.
Hope. We hope that partner will return, that the parting is only temporary. Accept the truth and hope for better day for yourself, not for relationship.
Bargaining. We plead. “Don't go!”
Relief. Relief that pain, fighting and routine has come to the end.
Before you forget- you must grieve and forgive
Grieving and forgiving takes time. For most the hardest step in dealing with grief and loneliness.
According to all psychotherapists it is very important to allow time for adequate grieving, not just in terms of ending relationship, but in terms of great loss.
Bob Carver, psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas, states, "When any relationship ends, friendship, kinship, or a male/female relationship, it is important to grieve that ending. Allowing adequate time to evaluate what was right and wrong about the relationship is of great significance for the next relationship. Don't go from one bad relationship to another without doing this."
And yes, he is right! Stepping into new relationship without understanding failure of previous one cannot result in success.
Carver continues, "A friendship or any other relationship fails because of three things:
Breath in- breathe out
First of all know- it is nobody's fault. It is hard, but perhaps it is the best thing it could happen to you- you just don't that yet. It might take some time to accept the fact that the relationship has ended, but this is a perfect opportunity to learn more about yourself, to meat your old friends, and do the things you always wanted to do, but didn't have the time.
Here are also few advices what to do when relationship comes to end, you might find helpful:
Talk to someone you trust. At times like this you need either someone that will listen to you or someone's shoulder to cry on. It is essential for you to get some emotional support from someone you trust and work through how you're feeling. You may find it helpful to talk to your friends, sister or brother, parents, doctor or counsellor or someone else you trust.
Keep busy. Beactive
and do things you enjoy doing. They will help you keep your mind off the break up. Hang out with your friends, listen to music, attain sport activities or cultural activities, read a good book - do whatever you enjoy doing.
Try something new. Something you always wanted to do, but didn't really have the time. I am sure there are things and activities like that. For example: take diving class, or drama class, if your wish were to become an actor/actress; or singing classes, learn how to play a guitar. There are so many things you need to learn. Follow Mahatma Gandhi: “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever!” Beautiful worlds, aren't they? Actualize them!
Look after yourself. I know these are times you would want to feel sorry for yourself and pour gallons of alcohol and forget about the world around you, but behavior like that does not lead you nowhere. It is difficult times – and this is one reason more to look after yourself. Eat healthy and combine that with exercising. Treat yourself with saunas and massages, manicures and pedicures, or simply just with a pierce of cake. Do what you love doing- all that matters is that you're having fun.
Practice healthy avoidance. Avoid seeing or interacting with your former partner, and most important - avoid excess in the use of alcohol, food, and medications. The first impression may be you are reducing emotional pain, but you are actually setting up to continue it for a longer time. Calling your former partner to relieve the pain is simply continuing the connection where your recovery will be destined to start over and over again. Don't do that.
Smile again! You are OK and you will survive! Think about the person you were before relationship, about all the people that respect you and think high of you. Think about your friend and achievements! Think about people you love and all the people in this world that love you!
Remember, not all love matches work forever. Although this might be initial hope when starting relationship, relationship is path of inquiry- looking for a life partner. There is no guarantee there will be one. This is life -as cruel as it might sound, or as cruel as it might be. Ups and downs are simply part of this great big mess. And after rain, there is always sun! It is, it really is. You just don't see it! Not yet. Give yourself time and most of all rely on yourself. You will survive! You always did!
I really thought I loved you- I wasn't lying when I said those words. If I could force myself to love you till the end of my life, I would, cos the last thing I wanna do is hurt you. You've been my best friend for the past 3 years... but I can't live like this. I thought I can, but I can't. I am sorry... “
Heard those words? And caught unprepared? Don't worry! It is not the end of the world! We will help you get through this!
Read on!
Feelings...
First of all, lets analyze feeling that occur when relationship ends. Of course, there are no right or wrong feelings, we are all unique, but still: there are just feeling that typically occur when relationship ends. All these feelings are 'normal' and actually necessary to the process of healing so that we can move on and engage in other relationships. Loss. Yes, relationship end is a loss- you loose all your dreams of future love life. It hurts!
Sadness. Sadness for we have suffered a great loss.
Denial. This is not happening to me!
Self-blame. We blame ourselves that we didn't do that, we should have done that. It is not that simple...
Guilt. We feel guilty for loosing relationship, especially if we end relationship. We don't want to hurt our partner, and yet we don't want to stay in a relationship that has no future. It is not easy for noone.
Fear. Fear of new feelings, fear of future, fear of sleeping alone, fear of not being loved again, fear that we may never survive our loss.
Confusion. Our world has collapsed. We are not who we thought we were.
Hope. We hope that partner will return, that the parting is only temporary. Accept the truth and hope for better day for yourself, not for relationship.
Bargaining. We plead. “Don't go!”
Relief. Relief that pain, fighting and routine has come to the end.
Before you forget- you must grieve and forgive
Grieving and forgiving takes time. For most the hardest step in dealing with grief and loneliness.
According to all psychotherapists it is very important to allow time for adequate grieving, not just in terms of ending relationship, but in terms of great loss.
Bob Carver, psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas, states, "When any relationship ends, friendship, kinship, or a male/female relationship, it is important to grieve that ending. Allowing adequate time to evaluate what was right and wrong about the relationship is of great significance for the next relationship. Don't go from one bad relationship to another without doing this."
And yes, he is right! Stepping into new relationship without understanding failure of previous one cannot result in success.
Carver continues, "A friendship or any other relationship fails because of three things:
- Unexpressed expectations,
- Undelivered communication
- And/or thwarted attention."
Breath in- breathe out
First of all know- it is nobody's fault. It is hard, but perhaps it is the best thing it could happen to you- you just don't that yet. It might take some time to accept the fact that the relationship has ended, but this is a perfect opportunity to learn more about yourself, to meat your old friends, and do the things you always wanted to do, but didn't have the time.
Here are also few advices what to do when relationship comes to end, you might find helpful:
Talk to someone you trust. At times like this you need either someone that will listen to you or someone's shoulder to cry on. It is essential for you to get some emotional support from someone you trust and work through how you're feeling. You may find it helpful to talk to your friends, sister or brother, parents, doctor or counsellor or someone else you trust.
Keep busy. Be
Try something new. Something you always wanted to do, but didn't really have the time. I am sure there are things and activities like that. For example: take diving class, or drama class, if your wish were to become an actor/actress; or singing classes, learn how to play a guitar. There are so many things you need to learn. Follow Mahatma Gandhi: “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever!” Beautiful worlds, aren't they? Actualize them!
Look after yourself. I know these are times you would want to feel sorry for yourself and pour gallons of alcohol and forget about the world around you, but behavior like that does not lead you nowhere. It is difficult times – and this is one reason more to look after yourself. Eat healthy and combine that with exercising. Treat yourself with saunas and massages, manicures and pedicures, or simply just with a pierce of cake. Do what you love doing- all that matters is that you're having fun.
Practice healthy avoidance. Avoid seeing or interacting with your former partner, and most important - avoid excess in the use of alcohol, food, and medications. The first impression may be you are reducing emotional pain, but you are actually setting up to continue it for a longer time. Calling your former partner to relieve the pain is simply continuing the connection where your recovery will be destined to start over and over again. Don't do that.
Smile again! You are OK and you will survive! Think about the person you were before relationship, about all the people that respect you and think high of you. Think about your friend and achievements! Think about people you love and all the people in this world that love you!
Remember, not all love matches work forever. Although this might be initial hope when starting relationship, relationship is path of inquiry- looking for a life partner. There is no guarantee there will be one. This is life -as cruel as it might sound, or as cruel as it might be. Ups and downs are simply part of this great big mess. And after rain, there is always sun! It is, it really is. You just don't see it! Not yet. Give yourself time and most of all rely on yourself. You will survive! You always did!
Help your children deal with divorce
Divorce can be devastating for children. While you might feel sense of relief that a difficult times are coming to the end, your child might feel sense of loss. Although children's emotional reactions usually depend on their age at the time of divorce, many children experience feelings of loss, sadness and anger, and they express it with their behavior. Learn how to help you child cope with negative effects of divorce, and minimize stress and prevent trauma for your child.
Mommy and Daddy used to love each other, but now we don't...
There is no easy way to tell the breaking news, but you must do that! Do it as soon as you are certain of your divorce.
It is highly recommendable that both parents are present when a child is told. The basic message should be:
“we used to love each other and were happy together, but now we don't feel that way anymore and think we would be better apart. It is not about you, we love you just the same as we ever did. This divorce is happening because of us. We are responsible, not you.”
Communication is very important. Be sensitive, understanding, and most important leave all feeling of guilt, blame or anger out of this! Do not transfer this on your your child.
One of most important things is to emphasize that your child shouldn't blame himself or herself for the divorce of parents, and that under no condition this is his or hers fault.
Second most important thing is to reassure him or her that your love for him/ her is unconditional and permanent!
Do they have to know everything?
No, they do not have to know every nasty detail from your relationship, but it is important to give them enough information so they are prepared for the upcoming changes.
If child is asking questions, try to answer as truthfully as possible and in age-appropriate way.
How do children react?
Not all children react the same way. Some cry, some ask questions, and some have no initial response at all.
If he or she cries, let them know you recognize and care about his or hers feelings, if she or he asks questions, answer them, and if she or he has no emotional response at all, let him or her know that there will be other times to talk.
Nevertheless, divorce brings with it a lot of changes and a very real sense of loss. Here are some tips on how to reduce stressful times for your child, but do understand that your child needs some time to adopt to new situation- some adjustments are quick and take month or only until the situation stabilizes and a child's routine can be re-established, but some may take more than a year. In times when children have longer response, it is essential for you to be attentive to the signs your child sends through his or hers feelings and help your child deal with them. It is very important for you child to know he or she is taken seriously and that his or hers feeling matter. For this reason- comunicate! It is often hard to verbalize feelings, both for you and your child, but there is no other way: you will notice change in your child's behavior and this behavior is filled with some sort of negative emotions. Help them to express those emotions or sometimes just be a good listener. And offer support! Let them know you are there for them. Always!
What children ask themselves?
Many questions arise when child is dealt with divorce of his or hers parents. And, yes divorce brings changes in everyone's life, not just parent's, but also children's lives.
Child might ash himself/herself:
Who will i live with or will I move? Will I loose my friends? Will I have to go to new school? Where will Mommy or Daddy live? Who will take me to school? And so on and so on...
Be prepared for this kind of questions. Answer them and remind your child that you're still a family and you will get through this difficult times no matter what.
Child's reaction to stress at various ages
As said at the beginning, children's emotional reactions depend to some level on their age at the time of divorce. Nevertheless, many children, regardless their age experience feelings of loss, sadness and anger, and they express it with their behaviour. Below are some signals that represent a children's reaction to stress at various ages
Preschoolers
Preschool children have the least information about their parents' divorce: four out of five of them never even are told about the divorce. This leaves children and that age confused and heightens feelings of abandonment. Consequently, many children at that age think divorce is their fault. Self-blame is one of the most widespread and debilitating of the reactions preschoolers have to their parents' divorce: they often think they've done something that caused the divorce.
Children this age require consistency and routine and are comforted by familiarity. Signals that they usually send are crying or changers in eating or sleeping habits. They might also develop behaviors that they dealt with earlier in their lives, like thumb sucking, bedwetting, and problems sleeping through the night.
School-Age Children
School-age children are more realistic than preschoolers about the reasons for divorce. On the other hand they are more likely to experience confusion about themselves, because in most cases they have not yet learned to view themselves as distinct from their parents. This is especially typical for children between 6 and 8. Children at that age are more prone to depression than children at other ages: they are more likely to experience sadness and anger. Stress may take physical form, such as upset stomachs or headaches. They are also very interested in issues such as who is to blame for divorce.
For children between 9 and 12 it is more typical to become involved with activities apart from their parents, thus parents must accommodate more to their needs and schedules. Nevertheless, the impact of family remains critical. Warning signs for this age group includes depression, loneliness, anger or physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches and learning problems.
Teens
Teens or adolescents (age 13-20) are old enough to understand reasons and motives for divorce. Surprisingly, they know very little about the real reason for their parents' divorce. They feel the same emotions as younger children, but there are some specifics for that age.
They are more likely to question marriage and more likely to swear they will never marry. They are also more likely to have financial worries, which is partly a reason the self-focus that becomes more evident with that age.
Teenagers are also more likely to find and discuss the faults of their parents, which is perfectly normal and a part of disconnecting process. Another characteristic is also that adolescents are more likely to take sides and seek explanations why one parent is 'bad' and why another one is not.
When kids aren't kids no more
Even though they are adult, they have feelings, but are much more understandable and easier to cope than with children at younger ages.
There is one typical 'mistake' though: adult children are just as reluctant to enter the divorce fight between their parents as young children are, and too often their divorcing parents reach out to them and drag them into the fray. Do not do that! Respect your child as individual and do not drag him or her in your problems and insecurities.
Mommy and Daddy used to love each other, but now we don't...
There is no easy way to tell the breaking news, but you must do that! Do it as soon as you are certain of your divorce.It is highly recommendable that both parents are present when a child is told. The basic message should be:
“we used to love each other and were happy together, but now we don't feel that way anymore and think we would be better apart. It is not about you, we love you just the same as we ever did. This divorce is happening because of us. We are responsible, not you.”
Communication is very important. Be sensitive, understanding, and most important leave all feeling of guilt, blame or anger out of this! Do not transfer this on your your child.
One of most important things is to emphasize that your child shouldn't blame himself or herself for the divorce of parents, and that under no condition this is his or hers fault.
Second most important thing is to reassure him or her that your love for him/ her is unconditional and permanent!
Do they have to know everything?
No, they do not have to know every nasty detail from your relationship, but it is important to give them enough information so they are prepared for the upcoming changes.
If child is asking questions, try to answer as truthfully as possible and in age-appropriate way.
How do children react?
Not all children react the same way. Some cry, some ask questions, and some have no initial response at all.
If he or she cries, let them know you recognize and care about his or hers feelings, if she or he asks questions, answer them, and if she or he has no emotional response at all, let him or her know that there will be other times to talk.
Nevertheless, divorce brings with it a lot of changes and a very real sense of loss. Here are some tips on how to reduce stressful times for your child, but do understand that your child needs some time to adopt to new situation- some adjustments are quick and take month or only until the situation stabilizes and a child's routine can be re-established, but some may take more than a year. In times when children have longer response, it is essential for you to be attentive to the signs your child sends through his or hers feelings and help your child deal with them. It is very important for you child to know he or she is taken seriously and that his or hers feeling matter. For this reason- comunicate! It is often hard to verbalize feelings, both for you and your child, but there is no other way: you will notice change in your child's behavior and this behavior is filled with some sort of negative emotions. Help them to express those emotions or sometimes just be a good listener. And offer support! Let them know you are there for them. Always!
What children ask themselves?
Many questions arise when child is dealt with divorce of his or hers parents. And, yes divorce brings changes in everyone's life, not just parent's, but also children's lives.
Child might ash himself/herself:
Who will i live with or will I move? Will I loose my friends? Will I have to go to new school? Where will Mommy or Daddy live? Who will take me to school? And so on and so on...
Be prepared for this kind of questions. Answer them and remind your child that you're still a family and you will get through this difficult times no matter what.
Child's reaction to stress at various ages
As said at the beginning, children's emotional reactions depend to some level on their age at the time of divorce. Nevertheless, many children, regardless their age experience feelings of loss, sadness and anger, and they express it with their behaviour. Below are some signals that represent a children's reaction to stress at various ages
Preschoolers
Preschool children have the least information about their parents' divorce: four out of five of them never even are told about the divorce. This leaves children and that age confused and heightens feelings of abandonment. Consequently, many children at that age think divorce is their fault. Self-blame is one of the most widespread and debilitating of the reactions preschoolers have to their parents' divorce: they often think they've done something that caused the divorce.
Children this age require consistency and routine and are comforted by familiarity. Signals that they usually send are crying or changers in eating or sleeping habits. They might also develop behaviors that they dealt with earlier in their lives, like thumb sucking, bedwetting, and problems sleeping through the night.
School-Age Children
School-age children are more realistic than preschoolers about the reasons for divorce. On the other hand they are more likely to experience confusion about themselves, because in most cases they have not yet learned to view themselves as distinct from their parents. This is especially typical for children between 6 and 8. Children at that age are more prone to depression than children at other ages: they are more likely to experience sadness and anger. Stress may take physical form, such as upset stomachs or headaches. They are also very interested in issues such as who is to blame for divorce.
For children between 9 and 12 it is more typical to become involved with activities apart from their parents, thus parents must accommodate more to their needs and schedules. Nevertheless, the impact of family remains critical. Warning signs for this age group includes depression, loneliness, anger or physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches and learning problems.
Teens
Teens or adolescents (age 13-20) are old enough to understand reasons and motives for divorce. Surprisingly, they know very little about the real reason for their parents' divorce. They feel the same emotions as younger children, but there are some specifics for that age.
They are more likely to question marriage and more likely to swear they will never marry. They are also more likely to have financial worries, which is partly a reason the self-focus that becomes more evident with that age.
Teenagers are also more likely to find and discuss the faults of their parents, which is perfectly normal and a part of disconnecting process. Another characteristic is also that adolescents are more likely to take sides and seek explanations why one parent is 'bad' and why another one is not.
When kids aren't kids no more
Even though they are adult, they have feelings, but are much more understandable and easier to cope than with children at younger ages.
There is one typical 'mistake' though: adult children are just as reluctant to enter the divorce fight between their parents as young children are, and too often their divorcing parents reach out to them and drag them into the fray. Do not do that! Respect your child as individual and do not drag him or her in your problems and insecurities.
Resolving Relationship Conflict
Conflict! The very word may bring up negative images such as fighting, withdrawal, or giving yourself up, and negative feelings such as fear, anxiety , hurt, anger, and loneliness.
Yet relationship conflict offers us the most wonderful opportunities for personal and spiritual growth.
It is within conflict that we are most challenged to decide who we want be. For the sake of simplicity, “partner” refers to anyone you are in a relationship with – a mate, child, parent, friend, co-worker, and so on.
What do you generally do when a partner does something you don’t like?
• Do you get angry and blaming, hoping to get your partner to see what he or she is doing wrong and change?
• Do you get parental and judgmental, hoping this will bring about change?
• Do you lecture and complain, hoping this will cause your partner to change?
• Do you threaten your partner in some way - with financial, emotional or physical withdrawal, with violence or other forms of harm, or with exposure?
• Do you get cold and withdrawn, hoping your partner will feel punished and come to you to find out what he or she did wrong?
• Do you ignore the situation, swallowing your feelings, trying to keep the peace?
• Do you keep quiet about your upset and take it out on your partner in passive aggressive ways, doing covert things that you know your partner doesn’t like?
• Do you run to others, feeling like a victim and complaining about your partner?
• Do you get depressed, tired or sick, hoping to get your partner to feel sorry for you? Most people do some version of one or more of the above, yet none of these choices leads to learning and resolution. All these responses do is contribute to the erosion of the relationship.
All of these responses come from the wounded self’s intention to control.
What if, instead of seeing conflict as something to avoid or as a win-lose situation, you decide to welcome it as an incredible opportunity to learn, grow and evolve your soul in love and joy? What would you then choose to do differently?
The first thing you could do is ask yourself some questions with a deep intent to learn, such as:
• Why am I feeling upset about this situation? • What is getting triggered in me that is upsetting me?
• What am I telling myself about this situation or about my partner that is causing me to feel upset?
• Am I taking my partner’s behavior personally and thinking it is about me rather than about him or her?
• Are my control issues getting activated – wanting to control and not be controlled?
In other words, instead of seeing yourself as a victim of your partner’s behavior, you would move into learning about your own feelings and thoughts rather than just reacting to your partner. Once you fully understand your own feelings, you would then go to your inner guidance for the loving action.
Loving actions might include:
• Simply asking your partner to change and see if your partner is willing to do so.
• Moving beyond the conflict by accepting your partner’s behavior and not taking it personally.
• Approaching your partner with a sincere intent to learn about and understand his or her behavior, rather than trying to get your partner to change. Understanding your partner from his or her point of view may help you to not take your partner’s behavior personally.
• Letting your partner know that the situation is upsetting to you and asking for an open arena in which to learn with each other and resolve the conflict.
• If your partner is unavailable for learning and resolution, deciding how to fully take care of yourself in the face of this situation – what to say to your partner and do for yourself next time this situation arises. Then, of course, you would need to follow through and take the loving action.
Imagine how wonderful and safe you would feel if you opened to learning and taking loving action in the face of conflict!
Yet relationship conflict offers us the most wonderful opportunities for personal and spiritual growth.
It is within conflict that we are most challenged to decide who we want be. For the sake of simplicity, “partner” refers to anyone you are in a relationship with – a mate, child, parent, friend, co-worker, and so on.
What do you generally do when a partner does something you don’t like?
• Do you get angry and blaming, hoping to get your partner to see what he or she is doing wrong and change?
• Do you get parental and judgmental, hoping this will bring about change?
• Do you lecture and complain, hoping this will cause your partner to change?
• Do you threaten your partner in some way - with financial, emotional or physical withdrawal, with violence or other forms of harm, or with exposure?
• Do you get cold and withdrawn, hoping your partner will feel punished and come to you to find out what he or she did wrong?
• Do you ignore the situation, swallowing your feelings, trying to keep the peace?
• Do you keep quiet about your upset and take it out on your partner in passive aggressive ways, doing covert things that you know your partner doesn’t like?
• Do you run to others, feeling like a victim and complaining about your partner?
• Do you get depressed, tired or sick, hoping to get your partner to feel sorry for you? Most people do some version of one or more of the above, yet none of these choices leads to learning and resolution. All these responses do is contribute to the erosion of the relationship.
All of these responses come from the wounded self’s intention to control.
What if, instead of seeing conflict as something to avoid or as a win-lose situation, you decide to welcome it as an incredible opportunity to learn, grow and evolve your soul in love and joy? What would you then choose to do differently?
The first thing you could do is ask yourself some questions with a deep intent to learn, such as:
• Why am I feeling upset about this situation? • What is getting triggered in me that is upsetting me?
• What am I telling myself about this situation or about my partner that is causing me to feel upset?
• Am I taking my partner’s behavior personally and thinking it is about me rather than about him or her?
• Are my control issues getting activated – wanting to control and not be controlled?
In other words, instead of seeing yourself as a victim of your partner’s behavior, you would move into learning about your own feelings and thoughts rather than just reacting to your partner. Once you fully understand your own feelings, you would then go to your inner guidance for the loving action.
Loving actions might include:
• Simply asking your partner to change and see if your partner is willing to do so.
• Moving beyond the conflict by accepting your partner’s behavior and not taking it personally.
• Approaching your partner with a sincere intent to learn about and understand his or her behavior, rather than trying to get your partner to change. Understanding your partner from his or her point of view may help you to not take your partner’s behavior personally.
• Letting your partner know that the situation is upsetting to you and asking for an open arena in which to learn with each other and resolve the conflict.
• If your partner is unavailable for learning and resolution, deciding how to fully take care of yourself in the face of this situation – what to say to your partner and do for yourself next time this situation arises. Then, of course, you would need to follow through and take the loving action.
Imagine how wonderful and safe you would feel if you opened to learning and taking loving action in the face of conflict!
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